I just wanted to simply take the time out to thank you for all that you have done for me. Yes you read right, thank you! We went through a lot and though it did not last what we had truly taught me some things. There were lessons and blessing in our time spent and I just wanted to give you the thanks that you deserved… So here goes.
First I would like to thank you for showing me what real love is. Meaning it is truly something unconditional with no limitations and most important no judgement. When a person is truly in love they will do what it takes to make time for the one that they love, no matter how busy they are or what they have going on in their lives.
So thanks for NOT doing any of this! You wanted me to be with you without you being with me, which gave me so much time to analyze what we didn’t have. You were selfish, judgmental and arrogant. And to be honest you showed me your true colors from day one. It was my own foolishness that made me think that I had some special quality that could magically change your contrast.
Also, thank you for experimenting with my heart as if I was some sort of emotional testing lab. We mixed our dangerous chemistry in a beaker knowing that the only possible result… A volatile explosion of words and actions erupting and causing anguish to the both of us.
Also thanks so much for exposing my flaws and weaknesses because I honestly did not or at least refused to see them in myself. Yep I admit that my mouth is smart and yet I can be an emotional wreck. I am spoiled and yet I can’t stand asking someone to do something for me! So because of your amazing observations I’ve made some changes. I’ve learned that sometimes it is a necessity that I SHUT UP and control my emotions not allow them to control me. I’m still spoiled but I hey I don’t like sharing! I realize that as a woman must learn to sit down and allow a man to stand as such. But what I did figure out is that if a man is my man if I NEED something I don’t have to ask because my man knows.
Thanks for breaking me down to my break pads so that I could be rebuilt and renewed. Now I am better, stronger, wiser and most of all loved. See I knew that even though you told me that what I wanted wasn’t realistic I would find it if I refuse to give up. If I refused to accept less than what I knew that I deserved. So thank you for redirecting my focus to what I really wanted. Thanks for everything!
I have gone through, been through and done some things that haunted my life. I have told some lies, made up some stories and hurt some people in such ways that made me hate myself. I’ve been dogged and disrespected by people that I thought loved me endlessly so it made me think “what did I do wrong” and I just couldn’t figure it out. All of this made me hold the biggest grudge AGAINST MYSELF! Yep I could not stand me and honestly I’m still working on liking the individual that I have become. I kept telling myself it’s was my fault.
With all that being said the hardest obstacle that I had to conquer was myself. Regardless to what anyone else tells you such as “Let Go and Let God” it is not that simple or at least it isn’t for me. Don’t ever get me wrong I love The Lord but my flesh is weak. What I mean by that is I knew in my spirit that God had forgiven me, but my mind worked against that and still does to this day. It’s like a constant roller coaster that is never ending.
The feelings of contempt that I held against myself began to eat away at my soul and I knew what I had to do about it. The Bible says that God cast our sins into the depth of the sea. Well, I can’t swim but somehow I seem to get them back into my hands, back into my heart, back into my soul time and time again. So I had to figure out how to stop going to get them back. The answer to this question is the most simple, yet hardest answer there is… Forgive yourself!
I am working on forgiving myself and who I was so that I may continue to grow into the woman that I am becoming. I am understanding that some of the things that I did was because I was hurting and wanted others to hurt or that I was afraid of the repercussions. I had to take responsibilities for my actions knowing that I knew right from wrong and yet I made the decision to do it anyway. I had to face myself and force myself to face my issues. I cried with myself, I reminisced with myself and YES there was a knock down, drag out fight between me and myself.
And when it was all said and done my soul shook and was dead tired! I was absolutely powerless! And at that point when I couldn’t try anymore, fight anymore, I couldn’t even face myself anyone. I was so tired and broke down that I could not hold the weight of all of my sins anymore, so I asked God to take it from me and NEVER allow me to get to them again. At that point I realized it was not me that I was battling against it was the Holy Spirit. God wanted me to know that I could not do this by myself. I needed the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit to help me handle my mess. I was not strong enough to hold on to it so it was a must that I forgave myself!
Most of us were told to save ourselves until we were married. And for a few of us it worked. However, for the majority of us we wanted that thing that all of our friends claimed that they were doing and at that point we couldn’t do without. Whether we didn’t want to but fell into peer pressure or were simply curious we began to tie our souls to others.
My first time I was young and needing attention from someone. So who better to give me to the one guy who said he adored me so much. But before it was even over I knew that something didn’t feel right. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it at the time because my mind was young and my soul even younger. So BAM! The first knot in my soul, choking my growth mentally, spiritually, emotionally and sexually. I knew that I felt smothered but I couldn’t figure out why so my search began.
From that point I searched for someone that could untie me and release me, not knowing that I was cutting off my circulation which each failed attempted. Years went on and by the of my twenties my soul needed to be put on life support. I checked out emotionally and spiritually and was honestly ready to give up!
Instead I went to the spiritual hospital… The place that most of know as church. I wore a jogging suit, some timberland and a hat, because I was ready for whatever. As the choir sang I began to feel the torment of all of the knots which I had tied within my souls to so many others. The pain brought me to my knees and I crawled to the alter. The people of Hod began to stretch their hands towards me and a few came and laid their hands upon me. The music stopped and I felt God for the first time in so long that I almost didn’t even recognize Him.
As I laid on the alter I realized that the space that I was attempting to fill in the flesh actually stemmed from the knots cutting me off at the soul. And with each soul tie I was pushing myself away from the most fulfilling relationship I would ever know. So I asked the Father to forgive me and prayed for help and healing. I got up from the alter, wiped my tears and began to praise God for what He did, what He was doing and what He was going to do. The knots that I had attempted to release myself from for years and years began to unravel and my spirit took its first deep breath.
I would be a complete liar if I told you that I stopped searching and/or having knots tied in my soul. But it was fewer than before AND I realized the damage that I was causing. So instead of looking for a feeling a began to search for forever. I even gave up on sexual healing for 2 and a half years. But man the flesh is weak… I mean WEAK! I strengthen my relationship with God and stepped out of the way and allowed Him to answer my prayers. God blessed me with an amazing man who sought me out as I was seeking Him!
So I say all of this to say… We can try and try and try to undo the damage that we cause but until we find the strength to give it to God it’s not going to work….