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Infertility is killing me

I don’t understand. I mean yes I’ve done some bad things in my life, but haven’t we all? I have 58 nieces and nephews, and like 20 great nieces and nephews. One of my brother’s baby momma’s has 10 kids, 7 by my brother who married to another woman…. kids that she can’t take care of and yet I can’t have children.  I know a woman that had an entire college football team paternity tested and then decided because her child’s father wasn’t going to the NFL she wanted nothing to do with him. Everyday there is something different and yet I can’t have a child. I have a loving husband who will do anything for me, a man that I’ve known since junior high school, a man that was more than a man to me at the age of 13 than all of the guys I dated in my adult life. But I can’t do what a woman is supposed to do and give him a family, why? I am crumbling more and more everyday and I don’t know how much more I can’t take until I completely wilt away. I’ve tried meds, prayers, even sleeping it away and nothing is working. The depression of the situation hurts, I mean literally hurts. I feel it in my bones. I don’t want to be touched and sex is the absolute last thing on my mind. My husband is suffering and I hate that I am hurting him in more ways than one. I feel empty and faithless and I just don’t know how much more of this I can take. And yes I know… so many people have it so much worse but right now I am being selfish because right now the pain that I am feeling is completely and utterly mine. The only time I’m not thinking about the fact that I am barren is when I’m sleeping. When I wake up I am happy for a few seconds until the realization kicks in and then I have to pretend for the rest of the day until I can find some peace in being sleep again. 

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