I’ve made the decision 

I have so many thoughts in my mind, so many issues that I face secretly and I’ve decided that from this point I’m going to begin sharing because maybe just maybe what I am dealing with could help someone else. So I guess I’m going to use my blog as a not so personal journal if you will…. so here goes…..

This week I have been a part of a challenge called “5 days to mindset shift” in a group called the BeFree Project and it has been much more inspiring than what I thought it would be. Now I will be honest I didn’t get into until day two but this is how it worked. The extraordinary young lady that operates the BeFree Project, Siobhan, sends the challenge via email at midnight, each day. Then at 8 pm EST she goes live on Facebook in the BeFree group and discuss the challenge of that particular day. 

Day 2 was mediation, just learning to recharge and regroup. Now I’ve tried mediating before but my mind is always going a million miles a minute so I gave up. Well I tried again and on the first day I could feel how meditation is kind of like hitting the refresh button on your day. That evening we discussed the ways mediation can help in marriage, at work, when you stressed or even completely angry. So I am definitely going to do my best to stay conscious when it comes to mediation as well as just taking a moment to take a deep breath when it is necessary. 

Day 3 was particularly hard for me… no tv! Now I know everyone wants to be a deep as a paper cut 😏 claiming “I don’t watch much tv” . Well guess what? I do! I love the ID channel and I have to have my ratchet reality on Mondays. But I did in fact cut out all television yesterday and instead listened to inspirational readings from Iylana Vanzant and let me just say that lady seems to be reading my life like a book she wrote! The main reason that the challenge was so hard was because my husband watched tv anyway. But I just put my headphones in a went about my marry way. 

Day 4 was clean your work space. Well I am truly grateful for this one because I have a have a new job and finding the right workplace for me has been challenging. This challenge is also about disengaging with the negative people at the workplace. Well at my previous job, a law firm, that would have meant doing some major relocation. But even today at my new job I kind of got sucked into some negative talk. A woman who has been with the company for 3 years talked about how the owner and upper management tends to a a small circle and I will soon be able to tell how the company really is. Well…. please allow me to have a moment of truth here… I should’ve straight out told her, that is your experience not mine! But through mediation, prayer and reading I am getting there. 

All and all this chat has been a great experience of transformation and I am looking forward to seeing all of the changes and difference a deep breath will make. Stay tuned 


He Can’t Be Serious (12)

Austin instantly felt like the wind was knocked out of her. What the hell are you doing here? Vaughn stood there chest heaving up and down like a wild animal ready to strike. No what the hell are you doing here Vaughn, you have some freaking nerve to come up in here like you pay bills, Toni stated matteroffactly. And then you’re  questioning our house guess, you better hope I don’t start throwing dishes at your head. You can turn around and exit, you’re not welcome in our home. GET OUT, Austin began to scream as tears streamed down her face. GET OUT, GET OUT GET OUT. Aussie please, Vaugn headed towards her attempted again to explain himself. You’re not answering my calls, my text, my email, they won’t even let me in the club. Then I come in here and you’ve moved on huh? Nah that’s not happening. Caesar barricaded the route to Austin but never even changed his tone. My man, you need to leave, they don’t want you here and that’s that. I’m not trying to beef with you your or ya boy but y’all gotta go, it’s that simple, feel me? Toni and Carrie got up from the breakfast nuck and stood on either side of Caesar. Nah ladies, I don’t need help. Take my angel upstairs she’s been through enough.

Vaughn rushed Caesar in that moment, but Caesar was ready and grabbed Vaughn and slammed him into the wall. Nori attempted to sneak Caesar from behind but the sister mates jumped in his way like security. It won’t be none of that Toni said as Vaughn stepped backwards from Caesar’s release bumping into Toni and Carrie. Austin was sitting on the steps with her head buried in her knees. But, Caesar, he didn’t even break a sweat. The girls closed in on Vaughn. Man today I will swing on females he said, breathing heavily. You have the nerve to be mad at me but you’re the whore. You got a new boyfriend real quick, whore. Must be one of your groupies from the club, whore. Each statement he threw at Austin ended with whore as if the word was a period. Nori let’s roll, but we will be back. Caesar was just about fed up and set his sights on Vaugn. Still calm, yet slightly angered Caesar moved towards the cousins. We can take this outside. You talking about hitting females, but I just pinned you up on the wall, why you ain’t swing then? Caesar cocked his head to the side, with a sinister grin on his sexy lips, let’s go, let’s take it outside. Nori grabbed at his cousin, come on Vaughn you’ve got too much to lose, it’s over let’s go. Nori secretly knew that his pretty boy cousin would fight but wasn’t really the best at it. He don’t want no nasty stripper, she’ll cheat on you too, whore! Say whore one more time in the presences of these ladies my man and it’s going down.

Carrie sat next to Austin on the steps. Are you okay, Carrie questioned as she rubbed her back. GET OUT! GET OUT! Austin could no longer hold back the girl she used to be. GET OUT she yelled and just that fast she was off the stairs and throwing whatever she could get her hands on and Vaughn and Nori. I’m a whore huh, she punched Vaughn square in the nose. Nori grabbed her wrist to keep her from hitting Vaughn. Come on Aussie, Nori attempted to plead with Austin, we’re leaving, let us leave. You’re just as bad get the hell out Toni said attempts to grab her friend. Caesar standing square ready to strike, Nori still holding Austin and just that quick with everyone entangled  Vaughn reached out and slapped Austin.

Knotted Up Soul

Most of us were told to save ourselves until we were married. And for a few of us it worked. However, for the majority of us we wanted that thing that all of our friends claimed that they were doing and at that point we couldn’t do without. Whether we didn’t want to but fell into peer pressure or were simply curious we began to tie our souls to others.

My first time I was young and needing attention from someone. So who better to give me to the one guy who said he adored me so much. But before it was even over I knew that something didn’t feel right. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it at the time because my mind was young and my soul even younger. So BAM! The first knot in my soul, choking my growth mentally, spiritually, emotionally and sexually. I knew that I felt smothered but I couldn’t figure out why so my search began.

From that point I searched for someone that could untie me and release me, not knowing that I was cutting off my circulation which each failed attempted. Years went on and by the of my twenties my soul needed to be put on life support. I checked out emotionally and spiritually and was honestly ready to give up!

Instead I went to the spiritual hospital… The place that most of know as church. I wore a jogging suit, some timberland and a hat, because I was ready for whatever. As the choir sang I began to feel the torment of all of the knots which I had tied within my souls to so many others. The pain brought me to my knees and I crawled to the alter. The people of Hod began to stretch their hands towards me and a few came and laid their hands upon me. The music stopped and I felt God for the first time in so long that I almost didn’t even recognize Him.

As I laid on the alter I realized that the space that I was attempting to fill in the flesh actually stemmed from the knots cutting me off at the soul. And with each soul tie I was pushing myself away from the most fulfilling relationship I would ever know. So I asked the Father to forgive me and prayed for help and healing. I got up from the alter, wiped my tears and began to praise God for what He did, what He was doing and what He was going to do. The knots that I had attempted to release myself from for years and years began to unravel and my spirit took its first deep breath.

I would be a complete liar if I told you that I stopped searching and/or having knots tied in my soul. But it was fewer than before AND I realized the damage that I was causing. So instead of looking for a feeling a began to search for forever. I even gave up on sexual healing for 2 and a half years. But man the flesh is weak… I mean WEAK! I strengthen my relationship with God and stepped out of the way and allowed Him to answer my prayers. God blessed me with an amazing man who sought me out as I was seeking Him!

So I say all of this to say… We can try and try and try to undo the damage that we cause but until we find the strength to give it to God it’s not going to work….


The REAL DEAL about “side chicks”

There is no easy way to say this but here it is… Ladies we have all been a “side chick” whether it was voluntarily or involuntarily. Let’s just keep it real. It could have been when we were young and dumb, older and desperate or simply blinded by the love, sex and/or money just to name a few.

So I’ll start with the young and dumb. Somewhere somebody told a young girl that being a “side chick” has benefits. The men come to you because whoever he’s with is not satisfying him in one way or another. Therefore, you get to be his “place of peace” or his “get away” doing the things that he never gets at home or even when things aren’t right at home. Because of this you get a bill or two paid, a few outfits and maybe even a nice bag… Maybe! Sometimes you guys even go for a ride (far away from where either of you live) and have a night out. And IF and only IF You play your cards right he will leave his home, (where there may even be children) and make your house his new spot!

Let’s look at another example. You’re out with your girls and you meet a guy. You’re not thinking too much into it but you two exchange numbers. You talk to him over the phone for the next few weeks and you guys even go out for drinks and maybe even to the movies. He tells you how refreshing you are because his “last” situation was a mess. Then you become friends on social media and you realize that there is this one particular woman posting or commenting on everything everywhere. But hey you guys are just kicking it and he told you he was single. The two of you are getting closer and closer, hanging out, staying the night together… even out and about together. Then BOMB! It’s 1:40 in the morning. The two of you have spent the whole day together. Your cell rings and there’s a woman’s voice on the other end asking for the man you’re laying next to!

Or let’s say you know a guy and maybe even at least know of his wife or woman. But he never has a good word to say about her. You and this man have been cool, associates or friends for sometime now and maybe you’ve even seen his wife act a monkey a time or six. He confides in you that he wants to leave but he “doesn’t want to hurt her or their family”. So at first you guys are just hanging out (maybe with groups of people) and you are just there to listen and be a friend. But this man, a good man by your standards deserves a good woman, a better woman and you tell him that. And soon you become that woman… More than just a listener but now also a lover. Knowing that he’s married or with someone and has a family, yet you are yearning to replace this woman and build a better empire and treat him the way that he deserves to be treated.

There are so many more instances in which women can become “side chicks”. It is not a black thing or an age thing to be honest being a side anything is not just a woman thing, but for whatever reason (clears throat) it seems that women have been put on blast about the issue… A man or woman could be or could have a side anything. Some people need their 80% and also are constantly in search to fulfill the 20%.

Some are afraid to be alone so they are willing to jump from one relationship to another searching for something but truly have no idea what it is. Others want to play captain save’em and show that the one that they want is really out there. Or some actually meet a person and somehow, some way that person buries the entire existence of their current situation and plants themselves into your life attempting to grow with you.

But regardless of how it happens you my lady are considered to be the SIDE CHICK…. Voluntarily or Involuntarily… It is what it is. 😕😏

It wasn’t my plan

I told myself from the start of it that this time there was no putting my heart in it.
These adventures would be all about the fun of it. Yep it’s your turn to hit it and quit it girl run with it.
Your “Good Girl” image get over it. All the bull-ish that people are whispering about, the Hell with it.
No one knew that even with the smile on your face simply covering it, you were quickly losing control of it.
But then you came in as cool as you wanna be.
And though I tried to fight it I allowed your smooth to take control of me.
But just like the song says silly of me… To ever think that we… Especially when you told me you had just been and at this time don’t want to be.
However just as every other fool I thought I had the poison.
Like I was the “Charmed One” who created a magical spell that would ultimately change your emotions.
And just like a fool my voodoo went horribly wrong and here I sit drowned in my tears ocean.
Damn it… Damn it… Damn it… Does anyone remember what I said about it. This wasn’t the place I planned for it. Handing you the key to my heart when I knew you weren’t the man for it.

I didn’t know I knew You

I heard my heart calling out for you as if the two of you had crossed paths a life time ago.

I fought with my soul attempting to restain it as it ran towards as if you had been gone for so long.

I felt my body yearning for the tender, desiring touch of you as though we endured some event of passion as one.

I enhaled your essence and immediately my eyes closed to search for just a glympse of your face.

I heard your voice and began to recall it like a song that reminded me of a memory that I know longer remembered.

I then withdrew myself from myself to seach for understanding, because it seem as though I have known you forever yet

I surely have never met you. I suddenly listened to a voice speaking ever so gently inquiring…. why do you not remember him? You were created from him… just for him. Instantly the sorrowning memories of those that were sent simply pratice…prepare me… excaped me.

Here he is, the one who I have longed for and adored since the moment I fell in love with being in love!


Maybe it me…

Maybe it’s all my fault…

Maybe it’s Karma from all the ill ish I’ve done before?

Maybe it’s not gonna last much longer, but damn how much longer can it last?

Maybe I deserve it…

Maybe happiness was never in my forecast. Simply tears raining down my cheeks and hurricanes of emotions stirring in my heart!

Maybe I should just let it go…

Maybe I could run away…

Maybe I should disappear because honestly who would miss my presence?

Maybe it will get greater later…

Maybe this is as good as it gets… Just tiny glimpse of love and happiness to keep me chasing after what will never be!

Maybe I should try something new….

Maybe I should try to fix the past…

Maybe I’m the only common denominator in why it never last…

Maybe I coulda smiled more, kept my mouth closed and pretended it was ok until it was…

Maybe I should lose myself, I’m already half way there… I mean who am I anyway…

Maybe it will be ok because you know what they say… Someone always has it worse than you…

Maybe… No really that’s not my concern!!!

Maybe I’ll do what I always do and shut down, hide inside of me until the storm blows over…. But it never does…