Tag Archive | Anger

Who Has Time for Grudges

I went on Instagram today and in 11 minutes saw that 2 guys I grew up with were murdered over the weekend…. so I pose this question… who has time for grudges? Why hold on to anger or hate or feelings of ill will for a person because of what you feel they've done wrong to you? Who is that grudge hurting more, them or you?

Read this sentence and if necessary read a thousand more times…. your grudge is only hurting YOU! The person you're upset with has more than likely moved or and/or don't even care enough to remember what they did to you. And you're sitting there rolling or eyes and overly expressing an exaggerated attitude that no one cares about but you. You know what I mean… you're the only sitting at a super bomb ass party big mad, watching everyone enjoy themselves because that one person is there that you refuse to forgive! And I know because I used to be that person. The one that would sit there with my arms folded, face twisted all up, and a mad funky attitude… just waiting for someone to ask me what was wrong. But guess what? No one did! No wanted wanted to sit around the fun stealer when the party was so fun.

So I learned to just let it go. And let me tell you a little #pettyfact 🤷🏽‍♀️, when that person knows they've done you wrong and yet you are still out here living your life that hurts them a million times worst than a grudge. True story, yesterday I was at the gym and I saw an ex that had hurt me really bad. He just left, no reason, explanation, nothing just gone. Now I'd seen him a few times previously but I told myself "what the hell should I speak for, he hurt me" and I would frown my face up and ignored him. But yesterday I walked right over to where he was and spoke. When I tell you I could literally see him lose color in his face (and he's a pretty chocolate guy) I was slightly tickled. And when I walked away I could feel the grudge lifted off of me. And in that moment I thought to myself who has time for grudges?!?!?

So take some time to think about the grudge that you may be harboring. And be honest with yourself about the weight it is actually having on your life. Then do yourself a favor… LET IT GO! Now I'm not telling you that you have to be that persons BFF or even deal with them on a regular basis. However, releasing the energy of that grudge from your spirit simply allows for space for better things.

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R. I. P. to that girl I used to be.

I’m going to get straight to the point…. I used to be a mess. I mean HOT MESS! And I know that but I am willing to admit it. To me it is a part of growing up and is what helped to sculpt the woman that I am today. However some people want to act as though their lives are squeaky clean when they are right next to me doing ALL THE DIRT (don’t worry, I won’t name names). I am not ashamed of the things that I did. Instead I choose to be grateful for the lessons that I received from my past.

As the old saying goes if you ask a girl how many men she had sex with and she gives you a number, you’re suppose to double it. I say mind your DAYUM business. It’s no ones business but mine and God who I slept with. I’ve been tested and thank The Lord He decided to keep me with a clean bill of health during my dirty past. I will say this though I regret many of my sexual partners not because the sex was bad, but because I was looking for love and yet settling for sex. And after a while it made me detach myself from sex all together. And now the woman that I am has to fight not to connect sex with hurt as a did when I was a girl.

You ask have I been a “side chick”? Yep sure have and I thought for sure that guy was going to leave his wife for me…. He did and then got a girl pregnant while we were together. How dare I think that how I got him wouldn’t be the way that I lost him. See the girl that I was wanted something real and honestly I felt that the only way that I would have it would be to take it… WRONG because that mess broke me down to my lowest low and I only had God in my corner. But that situation knocked that girl to her knees and made me a praying woman.

As a girl I would go from five to five million in three seconds flat. I would fight boys, girls, football teams or whoever (those of you who were there knows exactly what I’m talking about šŸ™ˆ). I would cuss you out quick and did not care who you were or what consequences I faced. Now don’t get me wrong it is a struggle as a woman not to check EVERYBODY. But what I learned from being the “girl they knew would flip” is that people want you to flip and do their dirty work. Nope, not anymore… I will tell you in a minute call the police on their behind. Every once and a while I will get somebody together but I don’t have to put my hands on them. If I have to I will verbally assault you and your feeling without one curse word or raising my voice with a smile on my face. Being that girl that would flip taught me as a woman to pick my battles wisely and that ignoring certain things doesn’t make me a punk.

These are just a few things that the girl I used to be would do. But there is plenty more where that came from. I’m sure you get the picture though. I lived, I learned and I love the woman that I am. So R. I. P. to that girl I used to be!

He Can’t be serious (part 3)

Baby please let me talk to you, let’s get out of here and I can explain everything. It’s not even what you think for real for real! Austin stood in the door way trying so hard not to throw her book bag at his head! Who in the hell did he think she was, and moreover who in the hell did he think he was! Toni jumped up from the couch and darted at DaVaughn, really punk ass it’s not what she thinks? This drama was really eating at Toni and she was completely fed of with DaVaughn constantly running game on her sister friend. 

He had cheated on her a few times before and the time before finding out about Shyra, DaVaughn had slept with one of the other dancers where Austin worked and almost lost his life over it. Austin was doing her solo performance center stage when the club owner ran into the club screaming call the police, they’re shooting. The girls were ushered backstage by floor security and the club was cleared. Then Austin, while getting dressed to go home received a text from Vaughn saying “she flat out lying”! She was confused until Lorie came in and asked Austin if they could talk “woman to woman”. Austin knew immediately that it was about to be some bullshit. Listen, Lorie said coming off with an attitude, he approached me. He said that he wanted to get to know me a little better and that you were kind of boring in bed. So I’ve been sucking him off in his car for the last month because, well you won’t. Austin laughed at the dusty broad and pushed past her, making sure she added enough force to assure that Lorie hit the wall extra hard. Girl God is saving your life tonight, only if this was a few years ago I would’ve snapped your fucking neck. Austin never even looked in Lorie’s direction as she walked to hall leading away from the dressing room like she was in a runway. 

Well I saw it so what should I think, Toni grunted with anger. With a slick smile on five face DaVaughn questioned, what exactly do you think that you saw Tee? You saw your sister who snuck in Aussie room and tried to rape me? DaVaughn spewed his lies with a straight face. Ha, really you have got to be kidding me brah! No what I saw you caressing your hands through her hair as she laid her head in your lap. And as a recall from the motions her head was making in for damn sure she wasn’t napping! Toni stood there staring at DaVaughn waiting for just one sign to snatch him up. However DaVaughn arrogantly ignored her glare, Aussie please pumpkin let me explain. He reached for her hand attempting to pull her out the door. Austin snapped out of her state of shock, get your nasty, whoring, cheating, filthy, lying ass hands off of me! I must really look like a dumb chick to you. You had sex with Toni’s little sister in my bed, where we lay, where we make love? She scoffed, shook her head and attempted to walk out the door, but DaVaughn blocked her. Vaughn I’m telling you get out of my way, she mumbled through her teeth trying to contain herself.

By this time some of their neighbors started looking out their windows to see what was going on. The girls had moved into their condo cul-de-sac a little over a year ago. All of the condos were duplexes separated by driveways and garages. It was about 15 to 20 units on the street that they lived on in the middle class neighborhood. There were a lot of upperclassmen renting condos in this area and many of them knew Austin, Toni and Carrie. Two boys and a girl that also attended Clark Atlanta lived in the connected duplex. John and James were twins and their younger sister Asia were bringing groceries into the house as the ruckus saw going on.

Hey, one of the guys called out, is everything straight? Mind your business my dude, I can handle mine! DaVaughn turned and yelled at their neighbors. The twins began to walk over to their door, but Carrie waved them off. It’s all good guys, but thanks. I’ll call you if I need you. They slowly moved back towards their home keeping their eyes on DaVaughn.  The girls jumped in DaVaughn’s face in unison, boy you ain’t running a damn thing over here they sang out simultaneously! Carrie and Toni stood in front of Austin as if to block him from reaching for her again. You ARE NOT about to make a scene at my home! Austin caught herself yelling and quickly corrected her tone. So your just going to take this, this, this… This what? Toni interrupted? I want you to call me out of my name, oh boy! PLEASE… Say something foul and you already know!

Austin with a look of scattered emotions tattooed on her face, turned around and headed upstairs to her bedroom. She couldn’t take it anymore, she just wanted to close her eyes on this night and wake and it’s all over. She threw her book bag and purse on the floor and climbed into bed, shoes and all! She was exhausted in every way.

Austin was cradled in her bed attempting to hide herself from the outside world continued to be interrupted by the nagging sound of her cell phone vibrating on her purse against the hardwood floor. Maybe they will stop calling. Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, pause. Thank God, they got the hint. Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz. Seriously, clearly I’m not answering the damn phone. Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz. Austin unraveled herself from her fortress of blankets, and blindly searched her dark room for her purse on the floor. After about what seemed like 30 billion calls Austin grumbled into her cell, hello.

He Can’t Be Serious (Chapter 1)

Austin, Toni and Carrie have been roommates for the last two and a half years. They met their sophomore year of college at Clark Atlanta. Austin, a long legged, long hair, honey brown, hood diva was walking through the court yard with her head in her legal research and writing book when she accidentally bumped into Toni. “Ummmm, your bad hoe!”, Toni fired off. She was as feisty as they come, kind of Tom boy-ish but still a gorgeous girl. Toni was average height, but she had a body like a coke bottle… thick in all the right places. Toni you’re tripping dude, it ain’t never that deep Carrie recovered. She was the momma type, peaceful, classy with her soft ebony skin and her stunning green eyes. She looked like one of the girls from America’s Next Top model… like one of the winners! Austin, knowing that she came to Atlanta to get a new start apologized instead of swinging which is what she wanted to do. My apologies… hoe she exclaimed with a smug smile on her face ready for whatever consequences came next. Austin was a fire cracker with a body that you would call thick and thin at the same time. She had nice succulent D cup breast, a toned tummy and a tear drop booty. She wasn’t built a video chick but she was far from skinny. You could tell that her curves were an original masterpiece only nature could provide. Although she didn’t swing she was not going to let the bull just ride. They all stood there standing in front of the CAU suites staring at one another, tension crackling in the air like fireworks on the Fourth of July, no one saying a word, people buzzing around the oblivious to what was about to go down. Then they all exploded into laughter. All three of the black beauties stood there and laughed for what seemed like an eternity. Neither of them could explain it, it was a connection that they’d never experienced with anyone ever before, but from that moment on the were inseparable.

Aussie I have something to tell you and I really don’t even know where to begin. The ladies had just cooked dinner and were setting the table as they always did. Austin looked over at Carrie to see if she knew what was going on. Carrie shrugged her shoulders with silent acknowledgement that she had no idea what Toni was talking about. Okay, so spit it out then, whatcha waiting on. Toni sat there kind of in a daze, her heart was beating in her throat and tears were filling in her eyes. What dude, what is going on, Austin was almost begging her to release this information that was clearly tearing her up inside. Seriously, Tee you are scaring the crap out of me what is going on. Well… let me just say that no matter what happens after this, just know that I have always been open with you. Austin’s already large beautiful dark honey brown almond shaped eyes widen even more. Man look tell me what is going on right now, I not playing guessing games! She had a million different things rolling around in her head. Is she pregnant, sick, going to jail… what? I know that you really feel like you love DaVaughn, Austin’s heart dropped to her toes. And you also know that he is like my big brother. Bitch do not tell me you are sleeping with my man! Austin drop her fork onto her plate and went from concerned to steaming in 2.3 seconds flat. Nah of course not, but Shyra is Toni blurted out as though the words were burning her mouth.  At that very moment it seemed as if the universe paused, like it was sophomore year at Clark and these three young ladies sat at the dinner table staring at one another waiting for it to go down!

Austin slowly pushed her chair back from the table and walked right over to Toni and leaned right in to her personal space. I’m sorry what happened? Your little sister, who comes down here with her nasty ass friends and stay at least twice a month. The one  that I have personally paid for plane tickets, who eat our food, wears my clothes and even sleeps in my bed when I’m not here? You talking about your little sister Shyra that I’ve sent money to on many occasions and tutored over the phone when we didn’t think she was gonna be able to pass her SAT’s? Austin let out a sinister giggle and stepped back. You have come to damn far she told herself. You have not blacked out in so many years she stated calmly in her mind attempting to redirect the storm brewing in her. She attempted to remind herself that she was no longer swinging first. For two and a half years she has been focused on using her words and not her hands to solve things. Carrie jumped between her friends just to assure peace. Look I’ve only known for a few weeks. I caught them in your room while you were at work the last time she was here. Austin’s head tilted as if she was focusing in on her target, her eye’s looked as if they were going to roll right out of her face. What, I’m sorry, my room say what? Tears began to roll down her face, yet she never blinked. Only a few weeks you say, Austin scoffed. So a few is like three weeks right, I mean I’m just trying to grasp the concept of your terminology. Girl, oh Lord Jesus be my strength, girl please tell me your playing! Austin went back and forth from talking to herself and speaking to Toni. What kind of friend are you? He has been over here almost every night chick! And you say nothing… You laugh and smile in my face as if all is well and you say you love me like a sister? But hey blood is thicker than water right? See this is why I never trust anyone because it’s always some type of freaking catch. Jesus please take control…what kind of simple …. Lord please give me strength before I go all the way OFF. Austin pivoted on her toes to head in the opposite direction of her roommat and just as quick she reversed her pivot and lunged at her roommates in full attack mode. She could not contain herself and they couldn’t either. Carrie threw herself in front of the attack attempting to shield both of her roommates , friends, sisters from one another. Broad are you crazy,  Toni screamed trying to get around Carrie. Toni was no punk and would fight whoever, whenever, wherever! I ain’t never scared so let’s make it happen Toni said a she attempted to maneuver around Carrie to get to Austin. Oh bitch don’t ever be scared be aware, be very aware. Carrie used all of her energy to keep the two brawlers separated. The table shook, plates flipped over, wine glasses rolled off the table a scattered against the hardwood floor. Carrie mustard all of the energy, anger and frustration she had and backed Toni into the pantry/washroom of their condo and closed the door and Austin never stopped coming. Really over a man Austin, a man…  And not even a man! A stupid ass boy who never deserved you in the first freaking place! Now back the HELL up! NOW! Austin snapped out of her craze and immediately fell into Carrie’s arms. I know that hate is a strong word but man I really hate him.