Tag Archive | Family

Related DOES NOT mean friends

I know I know I know…. family is all you have right? WRONG! A lot of the time family can be your worst enemy. They can cut you down, kick you when you hit the bottom, and shovel the dirt on you even though they see you're still breathing.

I was watching Iyanla Vanzant's show on YouTube and she talked about family being forever relationships, the relationships that you will never, no matter what be able to end. And guess what folks? She is so right, you can't end it but oh you can separate from it.

With that being said what you have to learn to do is love from a distance. You don't have to go to every family gathering, cookout, or get together. And think about how much fun is it really to go somewhere out of obligation. That doesn't mean that you don't love your family it just means you're not friends. There is no secret treaty that says you have that you must be around those that you're related to simply because you're related. You are not required to sit in the negativity of others and allow that mess to seep into your pores. And even if you end up going, if the atmosphere becomes too heavy for your positive vibes it is okay to get up and get gone. You're grown you don't owe anyone any explanation.

There is a saying that I use to this day… "blood only makes you related it does not make you family". In life you figure out the difference between relatives and family. Hell I'm not even related to the majority of my family.

Soooooooo I turned 38… What’s Next?

This past Saturday I turned 38 years old. So a few days before my birthday I decided to evaluate my life. I thought back twenty years prior and I was fresh out of high school, attempting to get as far away from my family as soon as possible. I wanted to be a successful lawyer, own a mall complex, be married with at least one child. Well, I have only ONE of those things accomplished. For me that was pretty depressing and I almost allowed my crushing thoughts to minimize the fact that I have been blessed with another year of life.

So instead of concentrating on all of my "Don't Gots" I decided to focus on the amazing things I have in my life. I am married to an amazing man who loves me flaws and all, I have a bachelor's degree in legal studies, I am working, though not in my field of study, and I have a great circle of loved ones who accept me for the woman that I am. That should be enough right? NOPE!!!!!!!

But what I can do do the work to make some things happen. I am not going to allow all of the things I don't have to hinder me from getting things that are still available to me. I realized, while having plenty of money would be great it isn't everything. I also realized that I can't be afraid to live my life, my way and blending in is boring. I am going to step out of faith this year. I'm going to speak some things into existence and not be afraid to be great. I'm not going to spend time with people who don't like me in real life because I don't want their drama rubbing off on me. I am going to seek the life I deserve and work hard to obtain all things my heart desire.

So I turned 38… what's next????? EVERYTHING!!!!!

Infertility is killing me

I don’t understand. I mean yes I’ve done some bad things in my life, but haven’t we all? I have 58 nieces and nephews, and like 20 great nieces and nephews. One of my brother’s baby momma’s has 10 kids, 7 by my brother who married to another woman…. kids that she can’t take care of and yet I can’t have children.  I know a woman that had an entire college football team paternity tested and then decided because her child’s father wasn’t going to the NFL she wanted nothing to do with him. Everyday there is something different and yet I can’t have a child. I have a loving husband who will do anything for me, a man that I’ve known since junior high school, a man that was more than a man to me at the age of 13 than all of the guys I dated in my adult life. But I can’t do what a woman is supposed to do and give him a family, why? I am crumbling more and more everyday and I don’t know how much more I can’t take until I completely wilt away. I’ve tried meds, prayers, even sleeping it away and nothing is working. The depression of the situation hurts, I mean literally hurts. I feel it in my bones. I don’t want to be touched and sex is the absolute last thing on my mind. My husband is suffering and I hate that I am hurting him in more ways than one. I feel empty and faithless and I just don’t know how much more of this I can take. And yes I know… so many people have it so much worse but right now I am being selfish because right now the pain that I am feeling is completely and utterly mine. The only time I’m not thinking about the fact that I am barren is when I’m sleeping. When I wake up I am happy for a few seconds until the realization kicks in and then I have to pretend for the rest of the day until I can find some peace in being sleep again. 

He Can’t be Serious (Part 4)

Hey. Austin couldn’t tell who’s voice it was, hello who is this? I just wanna say that I love you and I’ve always wanted to whisper those words in your ear as you slept in my arms. I know that will probably never happen now, but I will tell you everything. Who is this? Austin could not identify the voice for the life of her. I’m going to hang up! No please don’t, I’m not a stranger but my love is what you absolutely deserve but I know you’ll never know. You are a work of art in motion, you are love breathing and I adore your air! Austin could not help but to blush, no one has ever talked to her like that. Aussie are you there? Yes I am I just don’t really know what to say to a person that I can’t readily identify. I understand, can you meet me somewhere. Hell no! I don’t know you you’re not about to serial kill me and she immediately hung up.

She sat on the floor and simply listened. She heard the floor creeping, the central air humming, the sound of Toni’s tv playing across the hall, the stairs settling. Austin took it all in, listening to the soft noises of the place she has called home for the last year or so. The girls had not decided if they would sign another lease seeing that graduation is around the corner and they all had no particular plans. There were talks about staying another year to just kinda live before running head first into the careers.

Please God explain to me how one night tears a family completely to shreds. These girls have had my back when my own family deserted me. We have fought together, danced together, studied together… Everything! These ladies have been my everything for the last few years. They’re all that I have and I’m not going to allow a man to come between that bond. Her thoughts were disturbed once again my the buzzing of her phone. What, her frustrations rattled through the phone lines. He’s still messing with his baby’s momma too! Click! Her heart jumped up into her throat and the tears began to fall over her cheeks.

She pulled herself off the floor, still completely dressed, shoes and all and exited her room. She stood the second floor hallway as if she had never been there before. Totally lost and dazed she knocked on Toni’s door, but there was no answer. After a couple of seconds she walked down the stairs and into the living room where her roomies were being watched by the tv as they quietly conversed. Someone just called my phone and told me that DaVaughn is sleeping wit his baby momma. Both Toni and Carrie slightly startled looked over to their sister mate as she was standing at the edge of the sofa with tears crawling down her face. They both set frozen for a moment then jumped to comfort her. Toni Geneva Landers I am sorry she whimpered, it’s not your fault that I have HORRIBLE taste in men. You are my sister and even your trifling ass little sisters are my sisters, but that man is just a boy! When God made that one he did not break the mold. The sister mates burst into laughter and sat together on the couch to discuss their dramatic evening. Wait Aussie who called you and told you. I don’t know, I can’t tell who it is I don’t recognize the voice.

The girls talked into the morning and decided to go to church instead of going to sleep. They took Austin’s truck but Carrie drove. As they pulled into the parking lot of Word of Love Faith Austin’s cell rang. She fished it out of the bottom her purse. Hmmm, it’s a 216 area code, who calling me from home?

He Can’t Be Serious (Chapter 1)

Austin, Toni and Carrie have been roommates for the last two and a half years. They met their sophomore year of college at Clark Atlanta. Austin, a long legged, long hair, honey brown, hood diva was walking through the court yard with her head in her legal research and writing book when she accidentally bumped into Toni. “Ummmm, your bad hoe!”, Toni fired off. She was as feisty as they come, kind of Tom boy-ish but still a gorgeous girl. Toni was average height, but she had a body like a coke bottle… thick in all the right places. Toni you’re tripping dude, it ain’t never that deep Carrie recovered. She was the momma type, peaceful, classy with her soft ebony skin and her stunning green eyes. She looked like one of the girls from America’s Next Top model… like one of the winners! Austin, knowing that she came to Atlanta to get a new start apologized instead of swinging which is what she wanted to do. My apologies… hoe she exclaimed with a smug smile on her face ready for whatever consequences came next. Austin was a fire cracker with a body that you would call thick and thin at the same time. She had nice succulent D cup breast, a toned tummy and a tear drop booty. She wasn’t built a video chick but she was far from skinny. You could tell that her curves were an original masterpiece only nature could provide. Although she didn’t swing she was not going to let the bull just ride. They all stood there standing in front of the CAU suites staring at one another, tension crackling in the air like fireworks on the Fourth of July, no one saying a word, people buzzing around the oblivious to what was about to go down. Then they all exploded into laughter. All three of the black beauties stood there and laughed for what seemed like an eternity. Neither of them could explain it, it was a connection that they’d never experienced with anyone ever before, but from that moment on the were inseparable.

Aussie I have something to tell you and I really don’t even know where to begin. The ladies had just cooked dinner and were setting the table as they always did. Austin looked over at Carrie to see if she knew what was going on. Carrie shrugged her shoulders with silent acknowledgement that she had no idea what Toni was talking about. Okay, so spit it out then, whatcha waiting on. Toni sat there kind of in a daze, her heart was beating in her throat and tears were filling in her eyes. What dude, what is going on, Austin was almost begging her to release this information that was clearly tearing her up inside. Seriously, Tee you are scaring the crap out of me what is going on. Well… let me just say that no matter what happens after this, just know that I have always been open with you. Austin’s already large beautiful dark honey brown almond shaped eyes widen even more. Man look tell me what is going on right now, I not playing guessing games! She had a million different things rolling around in her head. Is she pregnant, sick, going to jail… what? I know that you really feel like you love DaVaughn, Austin’s heart dropped to her toes. And you also know that he is like my big brother. Bitch do not tell me you are sleeping with my man! Austin drop her fork onto her plate and went from concerned to steaming in 2.3 seconds flat. Nah of course not, but Shyra is Toni blurted out as though the words were burning her mouth.  At that very moment it seemed as if the universe paused, like it was sophomore year at Clark and these three young ladies sat at the dinner table staring at one another waiting for it to go down!

Austin slowly pushed her chair back from the table and walked right over to Toni and leaned right in to her personal space. I’m sorry what happened? Your little sister, who comes down here with her nasty ass friends and stay at least twice a month. The one  that I have personally paid for plane tickets, who eat our food, wears my clothes and even sleeps in my bed when I’m not here? You talking about your little sister Shyra that I’ve sent money to on many occasions and tutored over the phone when we didn’t think she was gonna be able to pass her SAT’s? Austin let out a sinister giggle and stepped back. You have come to damn far she told herself. You have not blacked out in so many years she stated calmly in her mind attempting to redirect the storm brewing in her. She attempted to remind herself that she was no longer swinging first. For two and a half years she has been focused on using her words and not her hands to solve things. Carrie jumped between her friends just to assure peace. Look I’ve only known for a few weeks. I caught them in your room while you were at work the last time she was here. Austin’s head tilted as if she was focusing in on her target, her eye’s looked as if they were going to roll right out of her face. What, I’m sorry, my room say what? Tears began to roll down her face, yet she never blinked. Only a few weeks you say, Austin scoffed. So a few is like three weeks right, I mean I’m just trying to grasp the concept of your terminology. Girl, oh Lord Jesus be my strength, girl please tell me your playing! Austin went back and forth from talking to herself and speaking to Toni. What kind of friend are you? He has been over here almost every night chick! And you say nothing… You laugh and smile in my face as if all is well and you say you love me like a sister? But hey blood is thicker than water right? See this is why I never trust anyone because it’s always some type of freaking catch. Jesus please take control…what kind of simple …. Lord please give me strength before I go all the way OFF. Austin pivoted on her toes to head in the opposite direction of her roommat and just as quick she reversed her pivot and lunged at her roommates in full attack mode. She could not contain herself and they couldn’t either. Carrie threw herself in front of the attack attempting to shield both of her roommates , friends, sisters from one another. Broad are you crazy,  Toni screamed trying to get around Carrie. Toni was no punk and would fight whoever, whenever, wherever! I ain’t never scared so let’s make it happen Toni said a she attempted to maneuver around Carrie to get to Austin. Oh bitch don’t ever be scared be aware, be very aware. Carrie used all of her energy to keep the two brawlers separated. The table shook, plates flipped over, wine glasses rolled off the table a scattered against the hardwood floor. Carrie mustard all of the energy, anger and frustration she had and backed Toni into the pantry/washroom of their condo and closed the door and Austin never stopped coming. Really over a man Austin, a man…  And not even a man! A stupid ass boy who never deserved you in the first freaking place! Now back the HELL up! NOW! Austin snapped out of her craze and immediately fell into Carrie’s arms. I know that hate is a strong word but man I really hate him.